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pet & animal humor


What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler.


What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A dog that rips your leg off and then goes for help.


What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.  After a while a bird is winging overhead. 

The GP raised his gun and didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not.  The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or a female, so he didn't shoot.  The psychiatrist raised his gun and thought, "I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?"  The surgeon was the only one who shot.  BOOM!  He blew it away.   Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

This duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill."

A man takes his dog in cause he's listless and not moving, so the vet examines him and says "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your dog is dead."  "Dead?!"  I can't accept this.  I need a second opinion."  So the vet goes in the back and brings out a cat.  He puts the cat on the table.  The cat paws the dog a couple of times and says "MEOW".  So the vet looks at the man and says, "The cat concurs, the dog is dead.   The man says, "I just don't believe it.  I need a third opinion."

The vet says he understands, goes in the back again and brings out a yellow Labrador Retriever.  The Lab jumps up on the table, sniffs the dog, walks around it, nuzzles it, looks at the vet and says "Woof"  The vet says, "I'm so sorry but your dog agrees.  Your dog is dead." 

The man gets all upset, thanks the vet for his time and asks how much he owes.  The vet opens the chart, does some calculations and tells the man $650.  The man is shocked and says, "$650!  For what!  To tell me my dog is dead?" 

The vet says, Well, if you just wanted my opinion, it would have been only $50.... But with the cat scan and the lab tests....

Two cows are lying in a field.  One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "What do I care?  I'm a helicopter."

One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep.  The guy picks it up and tosses it into his garden.  Two years later, he hears a knock on his door.  He opens the door and finds the same snail.  And the snail says, "HEY!  What was that all about?"

So these vultures decide to fly to Florida on an airline.  They get on board carrying six dead racoons, and the flight attendant says, "I'm sorry, but there's a limit of two carrion per passenger."

A termite went into a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

A grasshopper comes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"  And the grasshopper says, "Is that right?  Why would anyone name a drink "Bob?"

And a horse walks into the place, and the bartender says "How come the long face?"

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. 
The bartender says, "Sorry, you're food and we don't serve food here."

This duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get for you?"  The duck says, "Got any grapes?"  The bartender says, "No, we serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that."   The duck says, "Okay", and he leaves. 

The next day, the same duck comes in, hops up on the barstool, and says, "Got any grapes?"   The bartender says, "NO.  I told you two days in a row we don't got any grapes.  You come in here again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!"   So the duck leaves.

The very next day, the same duck comes into the bar and says, "Got any nails?"  The bartender says, "No.  Why?" So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and....................................................................................a pack of peanuts.  The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

A horse was tied up at a hitching post.  A little dog comes around and starts playing around the horse.  The horse gets annoyed and starts pawing at the ground.  The dog looks up and asks, "What are you doing that for?"  The horse looks down and says, "I'll be damned, a talking dog!"

What the difference between a duck? 

One leg is both the same.

What's the difference between a cow?

One leg is both the same is the difference between the other two.

This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.   But the parrot starts cursing and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks him up and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.   He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.  So the man opens up the freezer door and the parrot walks out, looks at him and says, "I apologize for offending you and I humbly ask your forgiveness."  The man says, "Well thank you.  I forgive you."  And the parrot says, "If you don't mind me asking, what did the chicken do?"

Did you hear about the snail who got beat up by two turtles? 

He went to the police and they asked him, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?" 

The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house.

Knock knock.
Who's there?

The chicken.

Classifieds: "Dog for sale.  Eats anything and is fond of children.

Dog questions for God:

Dear God:

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it still the same old story?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest, and no human hears him is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.  What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, let me give you a list of some things I'm trying to remember to be a good dog:

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

The sofa is not a face towel. 

The garbageman is not stealing our stuff.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

The cat is not a squeaky toy.


The early bird catches the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese!

WAG MORE ... BARK LESS!

PURR MORE ... HISS LESS!

DOGS HAVE MASTERS...CATS HAVE SLAVES!

YOU HAD ME AT WOOF!


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Pet Poetry

IF...                Author unknown


If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too
busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
Conquer tension without medical help,
Then, my friend...


You are almost as good as your dog!

*

DOG HAIKUS


I love my master;
thus I perfume myself with
this long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
in the sunshine, happier than
you will ever be.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
my hairs on the rug.

Look in my eyes and
deny it.  No human could
love you as much as I do.

Dig under fence-why? 
Because it's there. Because it's
there.  Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
now, always, and especially
when you are eating.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

Meter reader...
Garbage man...
Chat Lunatique...


*

Pet Poems & Humor